Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Why Don't Movies Tell the Real Story!?

... of putting little ones to bed? Add this to the annals of Things They Don't Tell You About Parenting, Volumn 500.

Its all sweetness and light in those magazines and books and websites, isn't it! Why don't they tell you about how when you finally get them to agree to stay in their own bed they revert back to yours the first time they are sick and its start from square one!

Why don't they tell you that nursing a baby till they are 2 years old is a swell idea until you consider the TEETH!

Why don't they tell you that you can't force your children to use a pacifier, soft animal or blanket to comfort themselves to sleep but that they are very likely to want to use your BOOBS!

Why don't they tell you that once asleep its not likely they will stay that way for the minimal 6 hours, forget about the 8 you really need!

This is the scene:

Wife walks into living room where Husband is embedded on the sofa. He looks up lovingly.

HUSBAND: Did she go down?
WIFE: Yes. She actually fell asleep about an hour ago but I just couldn't stop looking at that angel face.

Husband chuckles, kisses Wife on cheek as he throws a loving warm arm around her, pulling her in close for a snuggle.

What really happens:

Husband is vegging out on sofa, not listening at all to the baby monitor when Wife stomps in.

WIFE: Didn't you hear me? I have been screaming for 20 minutes!
HUSBAND: Hunh, whaa?
WIFE: Milk! The boy needs milk.
HUSBAND: Are we going to watch a movie?

Wife rolls her eyes as she stomps back into the bedroom. Sounds of screaming come from the baby monitor.


Wife sneaks quitely into the living room. Husband is sleeping, mouth agape, on sofa. The remote control dangling from his fingertips.

WIFE: Honey. Honey!
HUSBAND: Hunh, Whaa?
WIFE: You were sleeping.
HUSBAND: Uhn... Kids asleep?
WIFE: (rolling eyes) Finally. I swear if that kid keeps chewing on my boobs I am just going to cut them off! Ugh! Why can't they just go to SLEEP!
HUSBAND: Speaking of, I'm exhausted. I think I'll just go to bed. Kids in their own beds.
WIFE: (rolling her eyes) No! If you wake them up...

Sounds of rustling from the baby monitor.

WIFE: Shhhhh!
HUSBAND: Huhn, whaa?
WIFE: The babies.

Sounds of crying from baby monitor.

WIFE: Gaddamnit! Uh. I better go back in there.
HUSBAND: What time did they go down?
WIFE: Two hours ago.
HUSBAND: Alright. Well, I'll be out here watching the Daily Show.

Wife stomps back into bedroom.

Scene end.

I think we know from watching Nanny 911 and Supernanny that we are not alone. But even those shows only serve to make us feel superior. I mean, 'we' aren't as bad as those parents. But I suspect there are alot more things like sleep rituals that parenting books, magazines, websites and shows fail to mention you will have difficulty with as a parent. Can we just come clean, and not in the "parenting is the hardest job in the world" namby pamby kind of way, but in the real, yes I let my children sleep in my bed because if I don't they scream all night and make the neigbors want to call social services kind of way.... I mean please! Can we just?


demondoll said...

I told my son the other day that when cps came to get him I was going to clap, clap, clap. How's that for loving mama?

demondoll said...

PS- today I literally had to push part of his bung back into his behind. Bro-in-law Dr. sez it is a common occurance, sphincter is still immature. Boy needs more fiber. *sigh*

Yella said...

Oh man... you mean it doesn't get any better!? Yikes... maybe I don't want another one...

demondoll said...

This is horrid (and may infuriate Matt), but you may need earplugs when you sleep.I dunno about the chewing. I used to say "no. People are not for biting" and give him something else, but i think he was younger. It'll make her cry, but the once she starts biting you gotta take her off, and end the session for at least a few min.maybe even 5.