Monday, March 20, 2006

Stagnant Pond

Though not what you would call a "frequent blogger" I feel like it has been eons since I have felt like I have had something to say... call it over active brain. I mean, it's not like I have nothing to say, it's just that the 'things' come to me in short bursts of brilliance instead of cohesive blogworthy discourse. And I dunno, but I am not into the little short burst blog... though I do like to read them... I am more of a beginning, middle and end gal (though I am sure that could be arguable from reading some of my entries).

But I realize that I get caught up. Caught up in lots of things. The search for a big boy bed for S.O.v.1 for instance. Then add to that the need to make S.O.v.2 also feel special (she is getting the crib hand me down to sleep in and is well aware that is used to be big brother's) about her move to a new bed. It is tax time and my mind had been, on a semi-subconscious level, tallying up what write offs we might have and figure out where all the W-2s are, etc. The computer that I am editing the documentary I am working on for work is having 'challanges' and that fix is always on my mind... so it is not that I haven't the actual time to blog or more importantly, write. (Oh, add to the preoccupying occupants the Nicholls and how to polish the script I want to submit...) I realize that there is space but it is like a big project where you need alot of table space but there are several other little projects cluttering it up.

Who says women are not problem solvers? I mean, I realize that men get the 'problem solver' label because when you say to them "I have cramps" they always want you to take an asprin and stop complaining, women are far more obliged to solve the everyday problems of a life that arise... like dinner, checkbook balancing, attention between children balancing, taxes, redecorating... whereas men are really good at managing the DVR list and balancing the TV viewing, we women are about all the other many, many tasks that need to be accomplished in a life in order to keep it moving.

It is no wonder that men can and do devote more time to work. It is a no wonder that they are promoted in larger numbers. They just haven't as many responsibilities. See link below and (if you are a woman, that is) weep. But really, unless you are a gay man or devoutedly single, weep. Because when women suffer we all suffer. "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is how the saying goes and it may be more prescient than the first utterer supposed.

I would love to have more time to create and be generally more organized and be able to actually complete projects rather than shove them to one side of my stagnating pond/brain but the very volume sometimes prohibits this. It takes an awful lot of time and effort to run a life. Just as you look at your income and think "that must be enough" but it isn't, you think you can run a life and actually have one at the same time. But I am questioning whether that is really so. If I could actually get a life then I might make enough money to pay someone else to run mine. But then I would have an employee to keep up with... And of course I would have to pay someone else to raise my kids. Right now I am only paying someone 75% of my wages to look after them part time. There is just about enough left to buy gas to get to work and to the babysitter's and back.

Sort of reminds me of the guys who used to get really big muscle cars in high school and then you suddenly never saw them around anymore because they had to go to their job after school. You'd ask them why they had a car and they'd reply, "To get to work" and then you'd ask them why they had to work and they'd say "To pay for my car". Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in this sort of circular logic. But really, just like the 16 year old male's desperate need for muscle car was really a disguise for an expression of self worth (OK, yes, and to get laid, they wanted to get laid too, I remember) so is my need to have a job that is worthy of me and/or to do work that I am worthy of a need to express my self worth. I don't think you can actually have a sense of self worth without an outward expression of it. Does anyone have just a nice little selfcontained nugget of self worth that doesn't need to prove itself? Is that even possible. Sounds alien to me and distinctly un-human.

Add to this the fact that 'blogels' are now being published in book form and given prizes (I wonder if there is one for best wandering rant?) and you have one mamma who is feelin' like a loser... but I am busy all the time! I get it, but I still don't get it.


Anonymous said...

Set attainable goals, is what I say. Sometimes it takes me three or four weeks to do one thing that should take a few hours. Not the Nicholl's but I wanted to submit a play I wrote to the Albee Foundation for a residency. The play has been written for months. All I had to do was print the forms, fill em out (easy), attach my letters of rec and put it in an envelope and done! I swear. Took me three weeks. Tiny things take up SOOO much time. So I try to prioritize and set attainable goals. Can't do the whole thing today? Fine, I can drop the play at Kinko's while I go to the gym, pick it up and the way back and that's done. Oh and of course my printer is out of color ink, so when can I go to Staples? Oh, hmm. Buy postage for the return envelope, etc, etc. But I'm oh so patiently practicing patience. Bit by bit. and I don't even have chillens! Must have attainable goals. Hey1 I just realized I'm gonna see you Friday! - Arianna

Yella said...

As you point out gal, even small goals are not necessarily attainable, or at least easily. Ever wonder why that is? Is there really something to that whole 'fear of success' thing?

I have not really ever believed it because when I was succeeding at what I endeavored to do I was happy as a little clam and felt not one bit of fear about it continuing. It is when I started failing at things that I got gunshy.

I think it is rather that we get our personal identity and self worth too wrapped up in success. Then when we don't succeed we crash because we can no longer figure out who we are, or at least who we present to the rest of the world.

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