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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Lonely

I've been missing things and people this week.

I've been missing the Bay Area. I grew up there, in Hayward for my childhood and part of college and Oakland and Berkeley where I lived where I was going to college and then trying to 'make it' as an actress after. I miss the places I used to tread. I miss, oddly, walking alone... and some of what I thought at the time were the most scared or lonely or fearful in my young life I now long for. I remember going to movies alone in Berekely, sitting (and laying) near Strawberry Creek on the campus of UC Berkeley between classes when it was warm reading and dozing, I remember this little cafe on University Ave. that I would go to and study at - they had the best lentil soup. I remember and miss the soup cafe at the intersection of Telegraph Ave. and Dwight(?)... and the salad restaurant that you couldn't ever find a table after standing in line for 20 minutes... it's not only college that I miss...

I miss people. I miss Bay Area-type people. They were willing to take a chance on new friends... I miss LA too. I miss the places we'd used to go and the way they would change - you'd think about going to some restaurant and head there only to find that it had closed just last week. I miss my friends...

I have noticed in my life that I am not so much drawn to people (that just doesn't work for me, everytime I am drawn to someone either they don't like me or turn out to be crap friends) as people are drawn to me. This is how I have gotten the BEST friends of my life. That is not arrogance, au contraire (SP???), I only mean that I don't know what I'm doing but I am graced to have people in my life that know way better than me!

All my best of friends have been people that have been the one's to either 'make the first move' or been the persistant friends (because there always is one) and then once I fall I am like the stalking one (don't let me go!). When I make the choice it usually doesn't work, or it ends up being one of those cordial friendships where everyone is oh so happy to see you but a 'real' friendship, ya know where you, like, call each other on the phone and stuff... hasn't really happened so much for me out here. Except for my one, very busy gal pal, Judy.

But I miss my friends! I felt like, when we lived in LA, that I had 'made it' friend-wise. That all the people I considered to be my best pals were the best people that I was likely to ever meet and become friends with. And I was happy. I was content. Not with how much time I got to spend with them - this is the great downfall of couplehood - you never get to spend enough time with you friends after. And AC (After Children) is just that much worse, which is why friends with children end up spending so much time with each other and not with the sans children friends.

And then being 'out here' does not help matters much.

I attribute much of my melancholy for all things past a reaction to S.O. having lost his job. You know, when you teeter on the edge of a precarious lifestyle you tend to think back. Maybe I am just longing for easier lifestyles, ones that can't be lost with a job loss.. or maybe I am longing for parts of myself that I left behind in those places. The Bay Area, san Diego, Los Angeles... all dynamic stimulating areas... and here I am.... in the... desert.

We have lived here coming up on five years and thus far I do not have a friend that I long for...

I love LA

I love SD

I love BA

1 comment:

demondoll said...

I know what you mean. I don't know if it's because I'm older, but I had trouble finding the same bonds at first. And even though I have great friends here now, I just don't have the time I once did.
As far as places... this here is a gorgeous place to lose oneself. The only thing I miss is the interesting mix of diverse cultures. And the friends still in SoCal.