Bl-itter-ing idiot

bl·itter

noun, bl-itter-ing, bl-itter-verse,

1. Not quite as tedious as a whole blog post, not quite as cryptic and requiring of a click here escapade as a tweet.

An employer of mine died recently.   More than an employer, a friend.  Well, like a wonderful aunt you get to visit once a week and you really don’t mind.  I wasn’t related to her and I’d worked for her once a week, half a day, for six years.  We knew she was going to die.  But even when it is expected it is unexpected.

She died over a week ago but today really sucked.  When you aren’t related or terribly close to, but just terribly fond of, someone you don’t get all the stages of grief.  You get just a couple.  You have to pass over anger because afterall what is it to you.  You can’t in all seriousness do denial because no one would believe you.  And bargaining is out because you have no leverage with the universe.  So what you are left with is depression and acceptance…and who is really going to believe you are really depressed?

And yet there it is.  It is depressing because it means the order of the universe has changed in a favor of which you are not quite sure of yet.  You have to accept way before everyone else so you can steady on.  And that is all OK, but it still sucks.  Because you end up in a place that is not really fair to be in, you don’t get to ride on the boat with all the other passengers.  You have to wade in depression till everyone else catches up and meets you at the docks of acceptance.  And I think this is what happens when we learn of someone dying that we don’t know well, or hear of someone passing before their time, or when someone you know’s father dies, which also happened last week.  You have to bypass stages 1 through 3 and hang in the edge of 4, in this mild to icky funk knowing the only thing to do shortly is to accept something you are really not happy about but there is no other choice.

But as I like to say, white wine fixes everything… or at least is a moderately good way to pass the time till you get to stage 5.