In Light of the Oscars...

You know every year I watch/don't watch the Oscars with a mixture of interest, excitement, bitterness and dread.

You know, maybe it's just me, but I find it difficult to be entirely gracious about other people's success... Not because I necessarily begrudge them success. I mean I would love it if it were possible if everyone could somehow be successful, or at least work in their chosen profession and love their job. But face it folks, it's not. Don't let the new agey thing fool you, win-win is not always possible.

I have thought a lot about this of late because of my new found status as a loser. That's right, I have decided to embrace reality and see what it's like. Oh, I spent plenty of years with a cheery positive outlook, a never give up sensibility. But frankly that didn't get me anywhere. "But you never know when success will come," you say, "You can't give up," you say. Well true and true. But the reality is that up until this point I have been a loser. By my definition that means that I have had no tangible success in my career or personal life. (Children are barred from said discussion so I don't want to hear about the most successful thing I've ever done, blah blah blah.)

When you think about it, I am in vast company. Most people, by my definition, are losers. Most people don't succeed on some level. If we did we'd all be movie stars, lawyers doing commentary on CNN or feted surgeons with their own article in the New Yorker, or the like. Face it, the winners need us losers! Without the perspective of us, their lives are really just a lot of hard work! If we were all winners, winning would be so difuse as to be meaningless.

So, will I stop writing, no. Will I stop trying to be creative and do something with it, no. Will I stop hoping that someday I can find an affordable babysitter so that I can do some acting again, no. Will I give up on my personal relationships, no. Of course not. That is entirely not the point. The point is there is only room for a certain number of successes and if your ticket doesn't get called then you are, by default, a loser. If there are so many of us then certainly we cannot all be shiftless and unfocused. I know plenty of people with stark focus and a Protestant work ethic and they are not "successful". I know lots of people like that who are. No one group is any more worthy than the other.

You see, my aim is not to beat up on myself. My aim is to try to find the worth in the reality of my life. I am a loser. I am just as worthy of success and happiness and wealth as anyone else and the fact that I don't get those things does not make me a bad person, lazy or worthless. But doesn't something in you feel suspicious about that statement? Doesn't something just jibe wrong when you think "I'm worthy". Isn't your next question to yourself, now come on admit it, "Well if I am so worthy then why haven't I got ---- yet?!" It's not a natural or by any means comfortable thought or feeling but I suspect a lot more of us experience it than are willing to admit. Why do we feel this way? There is so much focus on 'success' as story, in media of all kinds, that failure fails to regularly make the front page. It's as if the only interesting stories are success stories. But I doubt if that is by any stretch true. All my friends are interesting, no matter their bank account, promotion possibilities or FICO score! Some of them are very successful and some are not. But haven't we been brainwashed to believe, just a little bit, that if you are just a 'good' person and going about life in a 'normal' way or only 'striving' and not yet 'there' then you are somehow less than?

I bring this all up because each year, as the Oscar/Awards season rolls around I am plagued by confusion and irritation. I want to watch, I don't want to watch. As I do watch the Oscars and part of me screams "I should be there!" because that is my chosen profession. But you know what? The reality is, I am in Palm Desert, not even near, both literally and figuratively, to being there. Why? No, not because I didn't work hard enough, not because I am not talented enough, maybe because I am not young enough but that's a whole other rant, but because I am just not. Think how many thousands, nay millions of actors, writers, editors, cinematographers, directors, etc. feel that same feeling each year. "I did good work this year" they scream silently or "I was so close" or even "I am so far from there but I want to be there". And you know what? They are not there. Just because they aren't.

I remember hearing from adults when I was a kid "Because, that's why" and I always thought it so unfair, that response. There must be a reason! But I find myself saying the same thing to my toddler. There still isn't a reason. It is all just because. And of course it is not fair. Success never has and never will be doled out based on merit or on fairness. And yes, it sucks. But wishful thinking and/or bitterness (I can actually have both at the same time) neither make a difference. Should we all throw up our hands and give up? I don't really think so, though I have, on numerous occasions, wanted to... The only thing you can do maybe is just do what you like and try your damndest not to worry about the outcome... but then, really, who can do that? Someone without an imagination maybe... or the Dahli Lama... though he's pretty successful so he's one to talk.